I have been writing this blog for sometime now and to be perfectly honest I think I have subconsciously avoided touching on the darker side of Autism, but a few days ago it occurred to me that I had been ignoring the elephant in the room: Depression.
There are no hard and fast statistics on depression related to Autism. I have spent the past few days looking online, scanning research and medical journals. I contacted every contact and no-one is aware of any substantive research on the subject, yet all agree on one thing – Depression and Autistic Spectrum Disorders are very common bedfellows. It seems that diagnosis of depression in people of all ages is substantially increased in ASD’s.
Not all people on the spectrum are depressed by any means. We are as unique and varied as anyone else. We come with our own hopes, quirks, desires, problems and eccentricities that have little to do with our condition. However, the unique challenges we face create an environment where depression can easily germinate.
For me as an adult Aspie, perhaps the greatest issue is just how aware I am of my own limitations and problems. I suppose the irony is that as you learn to come to terms with your own limitations, by necessity you need to explore those limits and learn where your problems lie and you become increasingly aware of the effort required to fit in or to try to comply with societies expectations of you, which is a taxing process, and one that doesn’t necessarily become easier with age and increased responsibility. I’m sure most Aspies have experienced more than there share of guilt, shame and regret over past meltdowns or misunderstandings or have been overwhelmed by strong emotions or thoughts. Feeling constantly like an outsider can be draining in its own right.
There are other factors too which are less obvious:
Many people on the spectrum have a truly excellent long term memory and can be obsessive. These two traits combined mean that often every mistake, argument, meltdown, embarrassing moment or social faux pas can be etched into memory ready to be relived at any given moment.
ASD often comes with a strong need for order, a sense of completeness, the comfort of predictability and the joy of patterns. It may seem obvious to say the world around us rarely, if ever works this way, it doesn’t change that inherent need, nor does it lessen the anxiety when that need is not met.
Just like everyone else, we have a need to communicate. Unfortunately, most of the time, we can communicate only with varying degrees of success and failure; especially when we need to convey emotions or emotional needs. We simply don’t have those social tools that allow us to easily express ourselves emotionally and when we do, it can be without filters and can seem disproportionate. Renowned 19th century author, Christian Nevell Bovee once said “Tearless grief bleeds inwardly”. All human beings need an emotional outlet, but with ASD barriers are a natural defence against that which we are poorly equipped to regulate.
People on the spectrum tend to have one very unpopular characteristic: they are extremely poor at following the crowd. They often have unusual world views and differing paradigms which are inherited from seeing the world in a different way. These world views, although different aren’t necessarily wrong, indeed they can often be brilliant, but equally are rarely easily embraced by society. When you have a minority view and you are not adept at socialising or communicating, it is extremely likely your interpretation of the world around you will remain unknown and widely ignored regardless of its advantages or insights. Indeed it is often this aspect of autism which when acknowledged can occasionally change the world.
The autistic mind more than any other has an inherent need to analyze their environment, to rationalise and to make judgements based on coherent understanding of their circumstances. One of the cruellest things about depression is that it distorts the ability to reason and this above anything else is the most difficult obstacle to overcome.
Overcoming depression is a whole book in and of itself and much better minds than mine have written chapter and verse on the subject, most of which, unfortunately, is meaningless when you actually have depression. Depression on the spectrum means more hurdles to jump, but that doesn’t mean it is insurmountable, merely difficult, as is so much of life.
To strive against depression requires an immense amount of effort and for those who have over overcome depression, whether on the spectrum or not, you have my respect. For those who are facing that challenge, good luck, you have my best wishes. I am sure there are many people out there who have been through this experience and I am sure your insights would be valuable to those still going through this struggle, so please, if you have a few moments, share your story with us.
Thanks,
ZenEmu X
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I am a 28 year old woman and I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, ADHD and Bulimia in 1998, when I was 16 years of age. I have suffered from severe depression on and off since I was a child, and I am still struggling with it today. I had a tough time dealing with all of the issues you have mentioned above and more.
During my early teens those I made two quite serious attempts to take my own life. During my late teens I got in with a bad crowd or people who took advantage of me and I ended up living on the streets for a while. I had many problems and became addicted to alcohol and heroin. My depression became even worse and an accidental overdose landed me in hospital.
Anti-depressants helped me a great deal and I am in a much better place now. I have been clean for nearly four years, I have an apartment and I have been in a relationship for the past year. For me, a healthy diet and forcing myself to go out to exercise was the key and you are absolutely right, it required a huge effort on my part, because in all honestly exercise was the last thing I wanted to do.
I’m still not entirely well, but I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel. For those out there who think depression can’t be beaten, I can tell you it can.
Thank you Paula. That is a remarkable and inspirational story. I am glad to hear things are so much better for you now.
Good luck to you and your partner for the future.
hi my name is shelley
i really enjoyed your article i have been branded mentally ill since childhood im extremely gullible and have believed it all along recentley i heard about asperegers i had never heard of it before i am currentley waiting for an assesment but i am certain i am an aspie i am so happy i am not mentally ill its just mild learning difficulties.
I have always been a terrible listener it is a curse a lot of my obsessions and compulsions are really useful ones example i love learning about aspergers it is an extereme fixation at the moment i think im an expert on asperegers and i am obsessed by fashion and hygene which can be quite helpful to blend in with society i have been diognesed with ocd 2006 i am 30 years old depression and withdrawn has been a backdrop through out my life i do put my self out ther but it usually ends in an unreasonable melt down before i knew what asperegers was i called them panic attacks they would shock everyone including me because i am usally a very reasonable person they were generally because i took things the wrong way so then i would annalyze what had happened and withdraw from societey i have always found the world a confusing and unjust and just didnt understand most humans or human nature its really nice to know there is a community out there just like me also i could relate to sensory overload so happy to know there is a word to put to how im feeling
Hi Shelley,
Thanks for sharing your experiences. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. In the meantime, good luck with the assessment.
ZenEmu